I can finally name my feelings from mom and dad separating - abandoned. Now logic tells me that is far from the case but that is hardly the point - this is a feeling.Ironically it was triggered when Naribe's beautiful and wonderful dad walked me to my car today. All of that breathing in and out on the mountain must have allowed me to feel safe enough for the feelings to surface :-)
Mind you by the time I got home an hour later I was in tears because there seemed to be so many times I was 'abandoned' - even John had abandoned me by dying! Nothing like opening the emotional floodgates and losing perspective lol.
Anyway, I have put on my CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) hat and begun to do a little research and self-evaluation. This feeling is very strong and actually goes back a very, very long way for me. Not sure what initially started it (and it doesn't matter) but I realize that it has driven so many decisions I have made in my life - and to some degree it still is!
So now I am working through re-framing memories and I am feeling better already. I think a few more sessions on myself and I might even have it licked :-)
3 comments:
From one CBTer to another, I send nods of understanding and empathy. Be kind to yourself. I'll be back to read more of you and your journeys.
Well at least you have a name for it..tis weird (lol not unfeeling inside joke people)Abandoned doesnt have to be a negative, with that often comes independance and ressiliance... I don't think you've lost perspective, I think your working through it (& thats gotta be healthy) and reaching clarity..
and yes it does influence your decisions but that doesnt have to be a bad thing either...
Feelings of abandonment revisit us over and over again...sometimes, seemingly out of the blue. It is amazing that while in our youth, we adapt to pain by moving forward not really knowing what to do with it or what to call it. Then years later, hear it comes. The wonderful thing, is we get images often, in our minds, that connect with the emotions and you sometimes gain insights about the past/present connecting that you never had before. It heals, moment by moment. We are always healing. Precious post.
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