Christmas Letter

We have all either written or received one - a Christmas letter that is. This contribution is by Vicki Brown (now known as Victoria Brown) who, if you have ever lived in WA is an institution of wit and wisdom. She now has a website and a cd so follow the links - which I know you will want to as soon as you finish belly laughing :-)

BTW as I am a bah-humbug when it comes to Christmas, this is my version of spreading love and joy to all :-)

Dear Friends,

An unbelievably early finish to the season has meant that harvest is over before the first of December this year, which leaves me with no excuses and plenty of time to write the dreaded Christmas letter.

Seeking inspiration I re-read all your marvellous epistles sent to us last Christmas. Thank goodness I've kept them all. As this is my only annual contact with so many of you I must admit I sometimes struggle to remember who has had what with whom, or who has departed this world for the next. Please excuse any terrible faux-pas I may have committed if this reaches you to find you have exchanged Peter for Paul and I've still got you married to Patrick, or that you've swapped Simon for Sally, (now that will be one Christmas newsletter I look forward to receiving,)…… or perhaps you are now irretrievably on the other side. If so, many apologies……………as they say, 'It's the thought that counts.'

Well what an incredibly talented lot you all are! I'm gob-smacked at the plethora of endless acquisitions, promotions and renovations, (and yes, that does include your rather ambitious face lift Leticia, although I've heard from a rather cutting, and dare I day jealous school friend of ours that you look a bit like a cross between Bambi the startled fawn and Mick Jagger…I sure hope it all pans out, or in, or up, or down…. or whatever for you, darl.)

I find myself bowled over by the amazing achievements of all of your children. Not a dunce or wayward youth amongst them. How wonderful for Electra playing with the National Youth Orchestra AGAIN, with but a handful picked from the Nation as you so humbly pointed out, Louisa. And Anastasia, Head Girl, playing four instruments and gaining straight A's for her final exams. Amazing indeed! ….and let's not forget heroic Hugo who certainly deserves a special mention for being lauded captain of the school first rugby, tennis, cricket and swimming teams. How splendid! One can't help but wonder if all the other parents were as delighted as you.

Our children pale in comparison. Will continues to play the fool. What a shame you can't do a degree in it. His first year away at boarding school has been a roaring success. His knowledge and comments on a broad range of sports have not gone unnoticed by his teachers, although announcing in class that "All soccer players are poofter girls" didn't go down too well, especially as the teacher coaches the school soccer team. As his father is of the same opinion as his son, a serious parental talking to was conspicuous by its absence. We did receive another phone call earlier in the year to inform us that our boy had been caught with some unsuitable extra curricular reading material. His father's cry of "Thank God he's not gay!" was obviously not the reaction expected from the house master. However, at least our son had the nous not to dob in the Year 11 boy who'd sold him the magazines, (at a very reasonable $2 a copy I might add, so he rather sensibly bought three), preferring instead, when questioned about the source of the material, to reply he had 'got it from home.' There is, I fear, no hope for the boy. At thirteen he still seems to derive endless entertainment and amusement from his bottom, which is a Godsend. It's a lot cheaper than an X-Box.

Our eldest daughter is doing her first year of a "Farts Degree" as her father calls it. It seems her year off in Costa Rica certainly broadened her horizons. She returned home smelling mildly of herbaceous plant material and madly in love with a Belgian plumber who mercifully she has since dropped. Let's hear it for the tyranny of distance. I was secretly relieved, though that elation was relatively short lived. She rang the following week to announce that she'd fallen for another dark and handsome stranger, this time a Peruvian dishwasher called Carlos who can't speak a word of English, but who 'talks with his eyes and his hands, Mum'. Well we've all known a Carlos haven't we girls, and his intentions with regard to our daughter are probably on a par with Will's extra curricular reading material.

Daughter number two has been busy with a bout of glandular fever this year, so it seems reasonable to conclude that at some stage prior to contracting the disease she had been enjoying a spot of tonsil hockey as part of her extra curricular activities. She did not seem much perturbed by the thought of missing school for a month and perhaps failing her leaving exams, but why are we not surprised? This is the attitude of a child who at ten regarded winning the lotto as a career choice when asked the question 'What are you going to do when you grow up?" However, in this world of designer drugs and celery sticks it's a marvellous bonus that, just like her mother, she's a two pot screamer with a penchant for a burger with the lot. So she's relatively cheap to run. It's interesting to see that she also has her mother's business acumen, selling off her unwanted clothes to other girls in the boarding house to help subsidise her 'gooner' supply for Leavers' Week on Rottenest Island.

Tom is the same as ever, King of his castle and still amusing us all with his selection of wonderful witticisms such as "Things don't grow on things that work…..men's heads and women's jaws." With comments like that I sometimes feel the urge to trade him in, but with the march of time having its wicked way with my body I don't fancy my chances of pulling anyone who would want to have his wicked way with me anyway. Better the devil you know, and after twenty three years of marriage our sex life is quite adventurous and varied….pyjama top on, pyjama top off………cupboard door open, cupboard door closed….. Who could want for more?

Hoping this finds you well above the average in everything you're up to and wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

With love from us all,

Victoria