Live, Laugh, Love

Of all afflictions, the worst is self-contempt.

Berthold Auerbach

Art: "Edge of Paradise" by LaShun Beal

Ouch!

I have an insect bite on my bum. I noticed it last night - I specifically noticed the little "hard" tag. My mind kinda went to a tick - or more specifically the head of a tick - but I ignored it.

It started to throb at 4 this morning. I got up and put some ti-tree oil on a bandaid and applied it in the said position. Ti-tree is a great antiseptic so worth a try.

At 11 this morning it wasn't only throbbing but the actual site was stinging really strongly and a welt had risen up next to it.

Thinking of my upcoming travel and not wanting a butt infected with a tick head I headed to the hospital.

One nurse looked at it. Not really sure. Another was called it. The hard tag they decided, was not a tick's head but a little piece of skin. It isn't a tick. No idea what it is - apparently the site is the site two 50 cent pieces now - but it isn't a tick. The nurse applied Soov and I was back home within 40 minutes.

So good it is all okay but oh so very embarrassing :-)

Photo: "Sprinkle Bum" by auxcentral

Days of John

We are coming up for the anniversary of his death again - and it will coincide exactly with me going back to WA. Not the best timing and lots of buttons have been pushed as a result.

And a new awareness - I hate what alcohol does to people.

I don't want to be around drunks. I don't want the burden alcoholics bring to their friends and family. I don't want to make excuses for them anymore. I don't want to make excuses to myself anymore. I don't want to watch the destruction that happens to them, their bodies, their relationships. I don't want to have another conversation with someone slurring their words but pretending to be sober and thinking no one notices.  I have done my time. I am not doing it again.

I am not into prohibition - I am sure I will be having a drink or two again. I am talking about heavy drinking or binge drinking or drinking to avoid life and all that it entails.

It is interesting to watch myself and this grief/memory cycle. I haven't focussed on the alcohol before. Maybe because I am now a long way away from working in rehabs. Maybe because of all the political talk of alco-pops in 2009. Maybe I have just woken up.

Having said all that my heart still aches for him and I so wish that he was here.

I'll Wilt!

The forecast for Perth this week:

Tuesday    Sunny.  Min 12     Max 30
Wednesday  Sunny.  Min 15     Max 35
Thursday   Sunny.  Min 19     Max 36
Friday     Sunny.  Min 19     Max 35
Saturday   Very hot. Sunny.   Min 19     Max 39
Sunday     Very hot. Sunny.   Min 21     Max 42

Aaaarrrghhh! Okay so I will actually only be in Perth for Wednesday and start heading south on Thursday but you have got to be kidding!!!!

Photo: "Three Years" by orbatid

Time for a Change

Ever since I got angry some weeks ago (and now because it is 'that time of the year') I have been in something of a rut. I have become especially aware of that over the past few days so I have kicked my own butt and it is time for a change, time for movement. Okay so I am about to go away so some practical things (like setting aside specific time for writing) will have to wait until I get home but there so attitudinal things I can put in place right now.

For a start there will be a birthday celebration - I don't know what form it will take but there will be singing and dancing everyday for at least a week - and I might even invite others to join me lol.

I have a couple of phone numbers for potential agents - no point calling them tomorrow (the first day of availability after the Christmas break) but I certainly can as soon as I get back. I have been fearing rejection (on so many levels) but I adopting the Colonel Sanders approach and diving in.

I have made my specialist appointments (well two out of the three - the third will be back form holidays tomorrow) so I am moving forward in that regard.

I have been putting off doing a couple of things and they will be done before 5 pm tomorrow so I can leave without worrying about it all.

And all in all I am pulling up my socks and beginning to take that one step forward on this journey that is my life.

Photo: Change your mind" by lohey

Tree of Life

The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected, that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years. The Marshall replied, "In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this afternoon!"

John F Kennedy

Art: "Tree of Life" by Gustav Klimt

Free to Be Me

Whatever you are by nature, keep to it; never desert your line of talent. Be what nature intended you for and you will succeed.

Sydney Smith

Photo: Dandelions" by Henryk T Kaiser

Birthday Thoughts

I know it is months away - no matter whether I celebrate it as a re-birthday in March/April or my actual birthday in August - but I have been contemplating what to do for my birthday this year. It will be the big 4-0 and I haven't really done anything since I turned 30 so it might be time.

Now when I turned 30 I had three parties in one day (a brunch, lunch and dinner) as well as mini-parties on the days either side. Pretty much everyone who could be at one of them was. I felt loved and appreciated and alive.

And that is my potential problem with this one - high expectations. I know that no matter what I plan I risk dashed expectations and a crappy feeling. Which makes me think I should just play safe and just ignore it. But then I don't want to be that person lol.

Okay, so on a practical level, I was still thinking about cooking and hosting a dinner party at my place but Miss K who has a similar birthday at a similar time has suggested just going out for dinner - everyone pay their own way so no big expense, and no mess to clean up afterwards. There is a lot of merit to that plan. If I had a real income by then I could go to the States but I am not sure that that is necessarily practical. I was thinking about a coffee and cake feast (not as posh as the ever-trendy high tea, more like a CWA meeting lol).

Hmm, lots of time to come up with something - and no obligation anyway lol

Photo: The birthday cupcake" by voodo 

Darwin 2009

Yes the Awards that no-one wants to win have been announced for 2009. While the winners (and I use that term loosely) were involved in an ATM hold up, I personally lean towards the incident in Sparkleberry Lane.

Full details, and wincing belly-laughs, can be found here.

Passion and Purpose

When you're kind to someone in trouble, you hope they'll remember and be kind to someone else. And it'll become like a wildfire.

Woopi Goldberg

Art: "Passionate Flamenco" by Leonid Afremov

New Year Words

I have been looking for a way to sum up my hopes for the year to come but gave up when I found this from Cherie at Butterfly Dreamer. She has said everything I wanted to. When you get a minute, click on over to check out her great photos and posts :-)

I think 2010 should be a leap of faith. A leap into unexplored new experiences. A year of more.

More laughter , more tasting the sweetness of life. Letting go of fear, letting go of old things , people and situations that do not serve us any longer. I look forward this year to new experiences, making new friends , new places to travel to. I sat last night at midnight in the freezing night air and stared up at that gorgeous full moon that was shining so brightly it lit the sky. It filled me with hope for some reason. I kept smiling up at it.

I have a very good feeling about this coming year. I am pursuing my dream of photography and writing more of my book. I have much to look forward to.

My wish for you in this brand new year, is that you pursue your dreams, and you don't let anyone influence you that they are not worth it. That you find your own happiness and laughter. Lots more laughter lovies.

 Photo: "Leap" by 7th-Heaven-Creative

Some People

I rang to book my train ticket on Friday and I am sure that if the woman in the call centre had a manual and was judged on on 'How to make things hard for your customer' she would have won the Employee of the Month.

I ended up at the Coff's station this afternoon as a 'here's hoping'. The sign on the door clearly said they were closed but there was people inside and being a bit desperate I stuck my head around and asked if they had an agent in my home town - the call centre woman had given me a big bum steer.

A gentleman asked a woman next to him, she didn't seem sure and apologized that she had shut her computer down. Perfectly understandable as they were finished for the day. I prepared to leave but he beckoned me to an empty counter. Within three or four minutes he had my ticket issued, he picked up on my passing comment about a back problem and has placed me in what he recommends are the best seats to minimize any difficulty I might experience - he made sure I had that seat doing to Sydney as well as on my return trip.

If I had've stood there with a gun to his head, or in tears and on my knees begging for pity, this gentleman could not have been more helpful .... and all of this when the office was clearly closed and I was only asking for help in my local area.

The time of REAL customer service has not yet passed my friends, and I know a man who is making a career out of it.

Some Days

Some days you can sit back and know that something has changed - the course you were on has taken on a different dimension. Okay, so sometimes that is for the better, and sometimes for the worse. Today was one of them for me.

I spent the day with Miss K and her family and other friends. From afar it may not have looked like much - I arrived early and played battleship (lost one game, won one) and chess (lost one, won two), we had a great bbq (thanks Mr T for the cooking and Miss K for the rest), we chatted, the weather was so-so but on the verandah it didn't matter. I even took a couple of photos of real people .... but I respect that there was angst so they won't appear here (Miss K's frangipani had no such problem though lol). Four, five hours passed before I gave in to the need to finish my assignment and headed home.

And in amongst all of that something positive and big happened - I don't know quite what it was but I do know that in time to come I will look back and know that whatever it is all started today on Miss K's verandah.

Yes, some days ... you just gotta dance :-)

A Matter of Perspective

To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold.

Archibald MacLeish

Photo from USA George

Tasting Good

It is nice to know I have a purpose in life - I am the food for a generation of mosquitoes - I have over 200 bites on me as we speak - and they are just the ones I can see - I am sure there are more on my back.

Fortunately they are not itchy like they usually are (could they be a different species maybe) because I would be swathed in calamine lotion otherwise lol

Yes I worked out a couple of nights ago that if I sleep with the fan on it does minimize the attacks somewhat (and I know that is a relative comment lol).

Radio Days

I spend most of my days listening to the radio - and most of my nights listening to podcasts of radio that I have missed, want to hear again, or is from overseas stations.

I trawl the ABC, BBC, CBC and NPR for bits that will interest me. Now all of these are public broadcasters and I am not sure if commercial radio has something similar - I haven't listened to commercial radio for over 10 years now.

Anyway, not only do I get to listen to incredible programming on books, science, social affairs, ethics and the like, I get to take full advantage of 21st century technology - linking in with the relevant websites I can comment on stories, debate or discuss things with fellow listeners, click on follow up information, contribute content and look at photos.

All of the programming can stand on its own merits and as such doesn't need the integration that the web brings. Nonetheless, the extra layers add a depth to the information and the listening experience that just can't be beat.

Totally over-run any need for television that I might have had lol

Photo: "on the radio" by irrr

Flowers on the Ground

Mango Chutney

1 T oil
1 small onion, finely diced
1 ripe mango, diced
2 T vinegar
2 T sugar
1 - 2 chillis, chopped
Pinch cinnamon
Pinch cardamom seeds
Salt and pepper, to taste

Heat oil in small saucepan. Saute onion. Add mango. Add vinegar, sugar and spices. Add chilli. Keep at a low simmer until the liquid has cooked off and the chutney is well blended. Season to taste.

I served this with some lentil croquettes, and pumpkin and chicken patties (still working on those recipes - I will post them when they are a bit more refined) with a side salad.

Note: you could also add a pinch coriander powder to the mix. I am a hot kinda girl so I left the membrane and seeds with the chillis - obviously you can take them out.

Happy New Year

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while care will drop awar from you like the leaves of Autumn.

John Muir

Art: "Angel Wings" by Laverne Ross

NYE in Pearl World

The bats have taken to the air, the new neighbors down the back have moved in (along with the smell of freshly sawn wood .... breathing deeply), I am making mango chili chutney, there is a forecast of possible showers - my world is happy. Happy NYE folks :-)

Gardenias

Photo Challenge

Due to so many other photo challenges being available to bloggers and there only being one and a half players left on the Challenge (yes I was the half), I think it would be best if this died a quiet death for 2010 .... subject to anyone still wanting to play.

Just putting it out there ....

Plans Are Made

Despite many, many promises, I am going back to WA. It is only for a quickish visit. I always said I wouldn't but I have a very special friend with a very special occasion that has put in a very special request.

And now I need to put in all of the logistical requirements ....

There are the obvious ones like needing wheelchair support through the airport (and that will be four in total - two each way) which I can organize with no problem but then there are all of the unexpected bits.

I am trying so hard to not be a martyr or a problem but there are difficulties at every stage of this trip that I need to make contingency plans for - like the possibility of walking 100 m from the bus stop to my destination on one leg. Now if I have a day like today that is just so not realistic - I am having enough problems walking from one room to another let alone 100 m!

I have spent time developing a daily regime where I can cope with all contingencies with a minimum of fuss to the rest of the world. I am truly looking forward to the trip but am not really comfortable with having to ask for help ... and I know I will - possibly a lot.

Damn this desire for independence!!!!!!

Daisy Days

It Started Last Night ....

At 12.38 am my smoke alarm went off briefly. Fortunately I was awake. I wombled into the kitchen (rapid movement is so not an option towards the end of the day) and doubled checked the oven was off and nothing was billowing smoke. It was as I suspected, time to change the batteries... in principle.

Okay I know you are meant to change them on April Fool's Day each year but my batteries don't last that long - no matter what brand I buy - so I end up with random blasts from the smoke alarm, becoming more and more frequent, as the battery begins to die. I got wise this year, I was going to deal with after the first blast.

Now I can't really move at the best of times so climbing on a chair with arms fully extended (being the short person that I am) was quickly eliminated as an option. So I went to the next best thing - my whacking stick. It is actually a magnificent natural hiking stick that was gifted to me some years ago but I haven't had the opportunity to use it for hiking - but it has been used for whacking, hence the name change.

With whacking stick in hand I took aim and knocked the alarm off the ceiling. It feel neatly onto a nearby couch. Not so lucky for the glass lamp shade which deflected the alarm on the way down. It shattered. I picked up the alarm and took out the battery.

I have been into the lounge a few times today - shattered glass everywhere. I have seriously considered leaving it all there until my home help comes in 10 days. But again, that is not really an option so I have done what needed to be done. I have bent down and picked up the pieces. I have vacuumed the area thoroughly. I have hurt my back. I am not surprised - that is why I contemplated leaving it for 10 days.

If anyone wants me I shall be in bed, gobbling down pain killers.

Photo: "Air Curl" by gooeyraisin

The Wisdom Spreads

I was just trawling through the Farmville forum (before I get to the assignment) when I noticed the signature on the above post. They have pinched mine lol (well apart from the last phrase). The wisdom of Ms Maya was obviously too hard to ignore .... but I already knew that :-)

Go Kylie :-)

The past is a source of knowledge, and the future is a source of hope. Love of the past implies faith in the future.

Stephen Ambrose

Art: "Hope: Orange Dancers" (artist unknown to me will certainly credit when I find out)

The Search for an Agent

I had decided that after Christmas I would start my search for an agent and while I understand that most everybody will be closed this week coming, I have just spend more than two hours looking for leads, addresses, information ... well anything really.

The result? Well I the names of four potentials in Australia - although as I am looking for an agent for my columns (and not my current book) I think I have only one real option. That doesn't fill me with confidence .... it is a bit cocky to think that a beginner will walk into one agency, they will immediately pick you up and then find you a publisher.

I have started looking at UK, US, South African, New Zealand and Canadian publishers but that looks just as hard.

Ok I admit I am feeling a little over-whelmed and am doubting myself a little but (pulling myself together) ...

• I have always wanted to do this - it isn't a passing whim 
• I may as well give it a go 
• I have just as much chance as anyone else who is a beginner 
• I have had work published (in a national magazine as well as state newspapers between the ages of 15 - 19 ... and I got paid for most of it - so there must be some talent in there)
• and, apart form some pride I have nothing to lose.

So, the research will continue and I will be ready when everyone re-opens after the festive break. Someone hand me a cardboard sign "Be published or bust" lol

Photo: "In search of .." by Lukreszja

My Soapbox for the Day

For the past two weeks the news from Australia's retailers hasn't been good - sales have been down when compared to previous years and shoppers have been encouraged to spend, spend spend. Reports from the Boxing Day sales apparently had grins on the faces of the retailers - those ever-reliable shoppers have come through and helped out the bottom line.

Today's news bulletin carried the headline that Australians have the highest personal debt on record with household debt now higher than what the entire country earns annually. Household debt includes mortgages, personal loans and credit cards.

I could rant on and on about 'don't buy what you can't afford' and 'living simply' and my current bug-bear 'the commercialization of Christmas' (and yes I know the debt figures don't include the Christmas spend) but I think I would be blowing in the wind.

Suffice to say that any potential lessons to be learned from the infamous GFC seem to have been lost - maybe we really did need to have a deep recession to make people listen.

Storm off the Woopi Headland

I Hear You

The most important thing in communications is to hear what isn't being said.

Peter Drucker

Art: "Summer" by Keith Mallett

Kewl Kids Sunday

Can you tell me the name of the animal, vegetable and mineral?

Chelsea

Speed Blogging

I pinched this one from diver :-) these questions require a one word answer .... and I do reserve the right to change my answers tomorrow lol

1. Where's your phone?
Couch

2. Your hair?
Wet

3. Your Mother?
Huh?

4. Your Father?
Sigh

5. Your favorite food?
Chickenfriedsteak (lol I was limited to one word but I could also add ribs ... drool)

6. Your dream last night?
Educational

7. Your favorite drink?
Coke

8. Your dream/goal?
Writing

9. What room are you in?
Bedroom

10. Your hobby?
Literature

11. Your fear?
Stupidity

12. Where do you want to be in six years?
Published

13. Where were you last night?
Home

14. Something you're not?
Blonde

15. Muffins?
Blueberry

16. Wish list item?
Conversation

17. Where did you grow up?
WA

18. Last thing you did?
Read

19. What are you wearing?
Sarong

20. Your tv?
Off

21. Your pets?
None

22. Friends?
Precious

23. Your life?
Creative

24. Your mood?
Happy

25. Missing someone?
Yes

26. Vehicle?
Blue

27. Something you're not wearing?
Rings

28. Your favorite store?
Markets

29. Your favorite color?
Purple

30. When was the last time you laughed?
Today

31. The last time you cried?
Coupleofweeks

32. Your best friend?
Happy

33. One pace I got to over and over?
Mountain

34. Facebook
Farmville

35. Favorite place to eat?
Red Hot and Blues or Chillis (giving up one word answers)

Feel welcome to join in the fun :-)

Farmville Thinking

Overcrowded chickens sigh .... should be selling at least half of them off ....

To say nothing of the poor calves!!! At least the bulls are separated (although I needed to temporarily put a couple of cows in with them). Veal anyone?

And yes, the cats will definitely be gone in the next day or two (as soon as I have made a little money out of them ..... aaargh, where have my morals gone).

Farmville Thinking

To distract myself over the past few weeks I have started playing the Facebook-associated game 'Farmville". For those unfamiliar with the game essentially it is a sim-type game in which you build a farm - you can grow crops, maintain animals as well as buy fences and buildings and the like.

Some people play to gain as many points as possible as fast as they can, other play to master all of the various components, others like to create farm art and still other enjoy play to build relationships with their neighbors.

I confess to wanting to get set up as soon as I could so I was planting and harvesting crops like a trooper (I was planting and harvesting crops that took 4 hours to grow - while there are other options which extend out to up to 3 days - I was even setting the alarm so I could get up int he middle of the night to harvest to keep things going 24 hours a day). I also gained extra points from fertilizing the crops of my neighbors. I planted my orchard and began to accumulate animals as soon as I could. And in amongst all of that I tried to keep it looking as "real farm" as I could (there are lots of decorations on other themes like Christmas that you can include).

And then I realized that I have another whole layer of considerations that I have been applying without even being aware of it. I have been rotating my crops to ensure the integrity of my soil. I got as many water troughs as I could. I have been as free-range as I can be - ensuring that each animal has as much space as practicable (for example, you can squish 8 sheep onto one square but I only put 1 sheep on each square). I stressed over including rabbits (feral creatures that they are) but justified their inclusion because you can harvest their fur/hair - and they are firmly enclosed in a yard they can't escape from. I worried about putting the bulls in with the calves while the cows were in the dairy - would the little ones be safe. In the end I pulled cows out of the dairy and put them with the calves while I put the bulls in a separate paddock. None of this is necessary. None of this wins me any bonuses within the game. But somewhat sub-consciously I have been farming ethically!!!!!

And this only really came to light over the past few days when is started opening my Farmville Christmas presents and I got too many chickens for the space I had set aside for them. I have also started getting penguins (which would not do well in the Australian summer). And my black sheep are in with the white ones (no I don't have racist issues - my family has a stud farm and black wool is a major sin and the sheep responsible is culled). Co-incidentally I have also decided to gain a cropping mastery or two and I have started broadacre cropping without the rotation ... and all of this has caused me angst!

Yes I know they are pixels, they are not real but maybe I am a bit of a farm girl after all. Now if you excuse me, I need to go and check the sheep :-)

Just Me

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Art: "Don't Tell Me I'm A Dreamer ..." by Chantal Lilly

Feelings Check

I am angry - and I have been for some weeks. I don't recall when I have ever been this angry before.  I especially get angry at about this time of the day when the general business of life slows down and I have time for reflection. Now I always said I would be honest on this blog but there is obviously another party involved here so forgive me if I do not include some identifiable details to maintain their privacy.

Did I mention I am angry. Actually I am more livid than angry. And I have been internalizing it all. I am not fussed that this person leaned on me during a hard time. I am not fussed that I disagree with their resolution of the situation.  I am fussed that they crossed the line and emotionally blackmailed me into doing more than I wanted to, to get more involved than I ever should have. I am angry that they pushed old buttons. I am angry that they disrespected me, big time. I am angry that they took advantage of a bad situation. I am angry that they have walked away and not looked back.

Now, if I put my welfare hat on, I should discuss this with the person involved. If need be I should be assertive but not aggressive. Screw that. I can hypothesize what will happen but say I default to them saying a simple "sorry". I don't want that. I want them to undo what has happened. I want them to take my pain away. I want them to take the anger away. Being that that outcome (which I acknowledge is impossible) is not practical I see no point in bringing up the point with them - but I am putting up huge walls - this will NOT happen again.

And in the meantime I am still so very angry and I haven't come up with a successful plan to dissipate it.

Photo: "Angry Little Girl" by SubterfugeMalaises

One Day At A Time

I am never impressed by the heroics of people who are convinced they are about to change the world. I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference after another.

Ellen Goodman

Art: "Havin A Heat Wave" by Shirley Novak

I'm Back

Apologies to my millions of readers (lol) - there has been some upheaval happening around me so I had to take time out to deal with it .... and I wasn't in the mood to blog. Actually  probably still need to vent about it all but I will leave that for now (breathe deep, press it down a bit further).

Anyway, blogging shall resume from today :-)

Frangipanis