We are coming up for the anniversary of his death again - and it will coincide exactly with me going back to WA. Not the best timing and lots of buttons have been pushed as a result.
And a new awareness - I hate what alcohol does to people.
I don't want to be around drunks. I don't want the burden alcoholics bring to their friends and family. I don't want to make excuses for them anymore. I don't want to make excuses to myself anymore. I don't want to watch the destruction that happens to them, their bodies, their relationships. I don't want to have another conversation with someone slurring their words but pretending to be sober and thinking no one notices. I have done my time. I am not doing it again.
I am not into prohibition - I am sure I will be having a drink or two again. I am talking about heavy drinking or binge drinking or drinking to avoid life and all that it entails.
It is interesting to watch myself and this grief/memory cycle. I haven't focussed on the alcohol before. Maybe because I am now a long way away from working in rehabs. Maybe because of all the political talk of alco-pops in 2009. Maybe I have just woken up.
Having said all that my heart still aches for him and I so wish that he was here.