I have proudly been sitting out of my comfort zone and growing in various ways for the past week or two but I must admit today I have almost had enough, I feel my self shutting down internally.This 'fear of failure' thing is more ingrained than I thought. I made another small error today and found myself tearing up - and no I didn't let the tears fall. I caught myself and instead of internalizing I went and talked to my team leader to get some support. The day went much better until I got home.
I was listening to a lecture by Rupert Murdoch on the possibilities of the school system - one of his theories was that if you expect excellence from young people then they inevitably deliver.
Now irrelevant as to whether that is valid or not, I found myself on the verge of a genuine panic attack (and I use the medical term here not a glib throw-away line) as I had flashes of school and assignments and tests and the need to perform, the pressure, the fear of failure. I fully admit that this is an internal problem more than anything to do with the school or my parents pushing me. And it is really effecting my life and my decision making processes.
So what to do now? My first thought is that I probably should find someone to talk to but in my head I know all of the things I need to do, the processes I need to go through, so I am not sure that would be useful - I am not sure if I would let them into the personal side of me. So maybe I just need to allow myself to be vulnerable in my own safe place and let things process.
I knew this was one of my "issues" (said in my best Kath and Kim voice), I just didn't realise how deep rooted it is.
I find it ironic that no matter how personal this feels and how challenging the situation is, I still feel comfortable blogging it.
Art: "Failure" by franticxx
2 comments:
ohh baby, drown out that self doubt with some positive talk...
* you have supported your friends in ways you cannot truly understand over the last few weeks, has been a blessing to have you as a friend...
* you have been stuck in the deep end, but there is soo much support there for you, grab it! i was thinking today that the more i learn the more i realise i don't know...but hey tis the way it is. You are learning so much every day of what is a huge job, be kind to yourself.
* I understand your panis attack, as you know we have talked and we have similar experiences of growing up, i failed dismally at school, and i don't know what scarred me more, the actual failing or the feeling letting everyone down because they had such high expectations of me. i think as i get older, that we are all on our own journey here, the path ahead can be frightening, filled within unknown and downright panic instilling, but hey we don't go forward we don't grow and move on...
...change is hard, please be kind to yourself, you have been a tower of strength to me in the last few months, i wish i could look after you more, i'm glad you can blog about it, and i am so sorry for not picking up on it more on the phone, twas hard with Rob cooking (burning) dinner in the background... I do love you xo
Laugh...all she said darling...
If we are being pushed by the heavens into growth, then we have gone from mouse to giant in a short space of time....
let those insecurities flutter round your feet like leaves... yeah they are there and its cool you have the self awareness to acknowledge them, but let them lie at your feet like dust...
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