Wednesday, April 22, 2009

This Side and The Other One

I don't pretend to know what happens after we die, nor do I understand grief and what we do to get by. I know what I felt when John died, I know what I experienced. Was any of it real, no idea. I acknowledge the body and mind have amazing ways of coping.

I also need to add that I was born and raised a Christian. Over the years I have been exposed to a number of other belief systems. I know what I believe but I am not sure what specific box I fit in.

As far as I am concerned, when John passed he stayed with me. We chatted, we played, we continued as normal really - just with him in a different form. He even went and visited with his brother periodically but always came back to me. That was all until the night about 18 months after he died that we chatted about both of us needing to move on - me with my life and him to whatever his next phase was. I physically felt him leave then. He did drop in and visit once or twice over the next few weeks but essentially he was gone.

Now I was happy with the timing but there have certainly been a couple of times since then when I have called for him because things were tough, or I wanted to share something special. He never came.

Tonight Meat Loaf is appearing on an episode of the tv show "House". I called for John to come and watch with me as our Mr Meat times were some of our best. He didn't come. I don't think he is coming back. I would like to say I have finally accepted it - and for tonight I have - but I can't guarantee that in the future I don't ask him to come back again.

All I know is that I am watching my Mr Meat on one of my favorite shows and John isn't here with me. It just doesn't seem right somehow.

Add to that John's Cheryl is on the radio (that is Cheryl Kernot to the rest of us). If he could have made it back he would have.
I am glad he has truly moved on but I selfishly wish he hadn't.

Photo: "The Crossing" by blacklace figure


pita-woman said...

How poignant!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

A very touching post, MG. You are not being selfish - you are being human. I'm sure John is watching over you, even if he doesn't "come back".

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Alison said...

Hugs to you, MG.
I can relate. I still have many conversations with Daddy Kewl and I feel and sense him around often. Not quite as you describe, but close enough to know where you are coming from. And just in cases you needed to hear it - I absolutely believe you.

My love and my thoughts are with you :-)