The Victim and the Martyr

Life is a funny thing. Families are even funnier. In mine (following the female line particularly) there is a tradition for the uninformed of being a victim or a martyr. I hate both roles - they rob you of life and relationships. Now I say up front that in the present generation, and for some in the previous, there has been a considerable breaking out of these moulds.

My biological mother and sister are not two of those. Now I know I don't talk about them very often (if at all) but I need to to reclaim my space.

I don't want to complain but I live in permanent pain. It is a bit like being a mushroom, only the depth varies. And then I have the "wonderful" possibility of 'twinges' that come in and overload it all. Although it has meant many changes financially, socially and physically, it doesn't worry me. After all it won't kill me. It just comes down to me sucking all of the marrow from life that I can given the new constraints.

Enter last week-ish. I had a run of higher than usual pain which meant that I was more limited in usual to do things. The obvious results was blogging, or computer use as a whole.

Now I have many boxes of really good pain killers around the house. I am have a prescription which limits how many I can have each day but obviously doesn't preclude me taking them in the first place.

So why did I go for 10 days without taking any - even though basic movement, hygiene and other functions were seriously impaired. To be honest, I didn't even think about it until yesterday when I was doing something mind-numbing (like the dishes which could no longer be put off if I wanted to live in a disease free area) and my thoughts wandered and I realised that I didn't want to be like my sister and be a victim. This meant just putting up and shutting up and shutting down (unless I was to complain in which case 'woe is me'). In my determination not to be a victim, I swung around to being a martyr in which case I was stoically bearing it all ('it's okay, I am sure it will pass).

Knowledge is powerful and has pulled me out of this cycle. I am me, I am the marrow-sucker. I will take medication when needed. I can be honest about my circumstances without whinging or looking for sympathy. I will not be deprived of my life.

Photo: "victim" by futosel