okay the question obviously got bigger than just about me and my body. and this is the answer. i am a backup, a ring-in, a number 3. i am not designed to have or to be a partner. when you need a babysitter, or want to try a new restaurant, or need a shoulder to cry on, or you want to have sex with no strings , or need help with a recipe ... or need a friend for anything then i am the one to call. i have many good features but i am not the one who will make someone's toes curl. i am well loved by all who are in my life, but i am not, nor have i ever been the love of someone's life.
when i was in school i thought it was because i was way too smart and spoke my mind. when it was in my early twenties i was politically active and flat out. when i was in my late twenties i was too independent and busy ... i guess what i am trying to say is that i thought it was because i was too big and have been blaming my body but really it has always been that way - it is me. yes i know there was 10 years of john but that was so un-conventional on so many levels it fitted in.
and really that isn't going to change - i am too jaded, too hurt, too pig-headed to let anyone in now. and, on a more positive note, I have created a life that i love - i laugh, i learn, i live, i create and i am loved. i paint, i photograph, i study, i garden, i hang out with friends, i live in my own patch of heaven, i can scrub up real well, my list can go on.
but if i am not going to be the one that makes the sun shines in another's day, if i am not going to be setting off far-off orchestras in their mind, if i am not going to start someone's heart a-fluttering then i may as well get on with the business of other ways of living.