Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Who Do I Think I Am

okay the question obviously got bigger than just about me and my body. and this is the answer. i am a backup, a ring-in, a number 3. i am not designed to have or to be a partner. when you need a babysitter, or want to try a new restaurant, or need a shoulder to cry on, or you want to have sex with no strings , or need help with a recipe ... or need a friend for anything then i am the one to call. i have many good features but i am not the one who will make someone's toes curl. i am well loved by all who are in my life, but i am not, nor have i ever been the love of someone's life.

when i was in school i thought it was because i was way too smart and spoke my mind. when it was in my early twenties i was politically active and flat out. when i was in my late twenties i was too independent and busy ... i guess what i am trying to say is that i thought it was because i was too big and have been blaming my body but really it has always been that way - it is me. yes i know there was 10 years of john but that was so un-conventional on so many levels it fitted in.

and really that isn't going to change - i am too jaded, too hurt, too pig-headed to let anyone in now. and, on a more positive note, I have created a life that i love - i laugh, i learn, i live, i create and i am loved. i paint, i photograph, i study, i garden, i hang out with friends, i live in my own patch of heaven, i can scrub up real well, my list can go on.

but if i am not going to be the one that makes the sun shines in another's day, if i am not going to be setting off far-off orchestras in their mind, if i am not going to start someone's heart a-fluttering then i may as well get on with the business of other ways of living.


Mountaingirl said...

and can i just say that i am happy - just because i am not someone's partner doesn't mean that i am a lesser person or that i am missing out. it is just a different way of being.

Alison said...

My favourite quote from Dr Seuss... "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."

As long as you are happy, MG, that is the most important thing.

Alison said...

(PS... The above comment was not Sammi, it was me, and if I didn't think she would enjoy it too much I would tie her up to keep her away from my computer!)

pita-woman said...

Wow, that's some serious food for thought.

And if I can add a line to that... one does not have to bring a child into this world or be a parent to be "complete" or "whole". We can just "be" and be perfectly happy.

Scarlet said...

I think you just described me. gosh.

good to know that you're happy.